So, big news! I’m going to be a father! Yes, me and the wife have been busy collaborating on a new project. I suppose that’s what happens during 18 months in lockdown. What else was there to do? You know what I mean? How much TV can a man watch?
But all joking aside, it’s an odd thing to imagine that right now, inside my wife, there is a little human growing! A human that will, around December, be part of this world. A human whom my wife and I – who feel like we’re still children ourselves(!) – will be fully responsible for. A human whose life we will shape. And a human who in about 13-15 years will stink and tell us they hate us.
I know that I’ve been somewhat of a late bloomer at most of this ‘life’ stuff and many of my contemporaries at school and university went through this years ago, but it’s absolutely terrifying and yet I’m really looking forward to it. It’s a very strange feeling to explain and either the English language, or my command of it, are failing me.
The closest word I can think of to describe how I feel about it is…. honoured.
Excitement feels quite shallow. We get excited about going to a concert or Line of Duty. This feeling is deeper and somehow transcendent, bordering on spiritual.
We already know it’s going to be a boy. And we’ve already named him. I tell you – you know you’re a nerd when choosing baby names requires GoDaddy to see if the domain name is available.
So that’s my big news. My wife is pregnant. Which means I’m in trouble for everything now.
I’ll have absolutely no idea what on Earth I’ve done wrong. And even if I’m lucky enough to get that information from her, there will be no explanation at all for why it was so offensive.
Random example – She declared Jihad on a blue glass. No reason given. She just didn’t like it. And I mean really REALLY REALLY didn’t like it. It had to be banished to a cupboard where it remains to this day.
But you know what – I know it’s not her fault. I know that it’s all hormones. And to be honest, having witnessed the first trimester of pregnancy first hand, I have to say, I don’t think maternity leave is long enough. I think it should start much earlier. How does anybody effectively work a job while going through all of that? I think it’s asking a lot.
There seems to be a modern way of saying “we” are pregnant rather than “my wife is pregnant”. And since the Internet seems to get its knickers in a twist on a regular basis about semantics, I’m going to say that I think “we are pregnant” is not very fair. Why should I get credit for something my wife is doing? Yes, I’ve done more housework in the past few months than ever before in my life and modern parenting is definitely a group activity, but “we are pregnant” just doesn’t seem fair to me. House work is a small price to pay for a son.
So here’s a public thank you to my wife and incubator, and just to say you’ve done a great job so far. We’re on the home straight!